The Dysfunctional Triangle

Life’s a game! And if you don’t know the rules then you’re the one being played!

The most common game set-up is the ”Dysfunctional Triangle”. There are three players: the Victim, the Persecutor, and the Saviour. A typical play looks like this:
* The Victim complains about being hard-done by (“it was better under the old regime!”), or not having enough time or resources (“it just can’t be done that way!”), or not enough clear direction (“I don’t remember you telling me to do that!”). But the game can’t proceed without a
* Persecutor - someone representing the cause of the Victim’s apparent misery. The Persecutor is task-driven (“just do it!”), insensitive (“I don’t care if the dog ate your homework!”), and usually cruel (“if it wasn’t for you we could have had this project finished weeks ago!”). As a two-hander this game can go on for months or years! But at some point it always draws in a
* Saviour who rides in to rescue the hapless Victim from the evil Persecutor. The Saviour expresses concern (“yes, I know, I know, ….”), offers help (“I’ll finish the job for you”), and is the go-to person for everything (“let me see it before it goes out”).

Strategic Conversations

So often we’re called on to “wrestle” opponents in verbal battles for supremacy: From negotiating a favourable contract settlement to getting your point across in a meeting. Is it just a game of “my ego is bigger than your ego”? Or can anyone play?

Here are four valuable techniques to help you get the edge in strategic conversations:
1. Listen more than talking. About 5 times more in fact! You learn much more about your opponent by listening to him than by hearing yourself.
2. Ask more questions. Look what happens in TV interviews: “He who asks the questions controls the conversation!”
3. Don’t take it personally. As soon as you feel “hooked” emotionally, you’ve lost the conversation. Let your opponent have her “spray”. It can no more affect you than a wet dog shaking itself!
4. State your position clearly and deliberately. Don’t fluff around. If you’ve thought about it beforehand you should know exactly what’s at stake for you. Make that clear to your opponent, while at the same time inviting comment. “That’s my position – what’s your view?”

The Four Agreements

Here are four agreements that will prevent your history from repeating itself and lead to personal freedom:
1. Be impeccable with your WORD: You create your world through your words, so be very careful what you say. Say only what you mean. Words have the power to build up or destroy. Speak with integrity.
2. (DTIP) Don’t take it personally: It’s not about you. What others say or do to you is a projection of what is happening for them. Be immune to others opinions.
3. Don’t make ASSUMPTIONS: When you try to guess what others are thinking you come up with all kinds of hallucinations. Have the courage to ask questions and communicate what you really want.
4. (DYB) Do your best: Always do the best you can, with what you’ve got, where you are. Under any circumstances, doing your best will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse , and regret.